Want to avoid suggesting a date night so car crash, it’ll lead to your partner having second thoughts? Looking to fix up an intentionally car crash date, so you can shake your partner off? Here are five places you should avoid like the plague/bear in mind.
1. A restaurant you can’t afford
It’s great that there’s a button you can press for instant cedar-smoked old fashioneds. It’s great that Rita Ora’s niece Instagrammed this place last week, immediately tripling the menu prices. It’s great that there’s a neon sign crackling over the door that reads: “BE YOU. FOREVER.”. It’s great that the food is so minuscule you can’t work out if the starter was a daydream or not. It’s great that the waiter is looking you up and down like you’ve just blown your nose on his stupid bowtie. But really. Do fish and chips on a bench instead.
2. The Kennington Loop
Some call it the Tunnel of Love. Some call it a Loop Tunnel Connecting the Southbound and Northbound Northern Line Platforms With a Siding that Provides a Reversing Facility for Trains from Elephant & Castle. The Kennington Loop might seem a tempting diversion for a late-night, Jager-charged face suck in the pitch dark recesses of the Forbidden Tube. But bear in mind there’ll be a gaggle of tube-nerds watching on as you do your dirty business, wondering what the touch of human flesh feels like.
3. Green Park
But Londonist! A stroll in the park is romantic enough, ain’t it? Not Green Park — a blossom-barren cautionary tale of regal adultery. When Charles II’s wife caught him plucking posies for his bit on the side, she squealed ‘Off with their heads!’ (to the flowers, not the lovers). Ever since, Green Park’s been a London bald patch about as romantic as Grant Mitchell’s burnished bonce. Why’s it always the many who have to suffer the actions of the few? And why didn’t Charlie just pretend the flowers WERE for his wife? Twit.
4. A crap comedy night
“Let us go and see The Comedy!” you had said, “I could do with a laugh, and I hear that The Comedy is just the medicine!”. “What luck!” you had exclaimed to your date on seeing the front row was still empty. Your prize: to become a duel punching bag for a piss-poor stand-up, who only bothered to write three jokes, and spends the rest of the night coming back to you with lines like “I bet it must be REALLY exciting shagging an IT management consultant, Debbie?!” You shall never go to The Comedy again.
5. London Aquarium
Awww, look ad da liwwle fishies swimmin round! Look ad da liwwle fishies swimmin round and round and round and round in their own fetid water — asking, begging, with their horrible little eyes, to be set free — for you to smash the glass, and let them flow into beautiful freedom/death. It’s all too much like a metaphor for your relationship in six months’ time. Not to mention a metaphor for how many fish are in the sea/hot people are on Tinder. Too many metaphors. Do fish and chips on a bench instead.
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Last Updated 09 January 2019