England and Australia have always had a healthy rivalry, despite the fact that both countries play host to thousands of each others citizens.
We in the UK dislike their happy-go-lucky attitude, year-long tans and thongs (shoes, not underwear), they mock us for our ability to whinge, love of queuing in an orderly manner and being uptight.
While a rivalry is all well and good, it is clear to us that us Brits trump our cousins down under in a plethora of different ways.
So here are 12 reasons why England is better than Australia….
Go out for a walk in the English country and you might see a partridge or a deer, there’s a nice breeze and perhaps a lovely river to go for a dip in.
Go out for a walk in Australia and you’re probably (definitely) going to die!
If the nine (NINE) venomous snakes don’t get you, then the MASSIVE spiders will probably wrap you up and take you away.
In fact they have the world’s most venomous snake (The Inland Taipan), one of the most deadly spiders (the Sydney Funnel web) and their most dangerous predator, the Box Jellyfish. Not to mention loads of different crocodiles and sharks.
And while Kangaroos and Koalas look cute, they are actually pretty damn vicious!
2. We have Penguins, they have Tim Tams
First off, a Tim Tam is a ridiculous name for a chocolate biscuit. It sounds like something a five-year-old calls naughty body parts. There I said it!
Secondly, Tim Tams are obviously way too small. Penguins are perfectly sized and come with a joke which is sure to work as a great chat up line if the other person is drunk enough.
Sorry, it should not be that hot all the time, it’s just unnatural.
The great thing about the British weather is we acknowledge that it’s a bit crap so when it’s nice we make great use of it by tanning ourselves until we turn a beautiful lobster pink.
Plus, the rain gives us Brits our famous cynical attitude to absolutely everything, unlike Aussie’s unnatural year-round cheery dispositions.
Yeah, you might be technically superior than us and may have a better history of producing moustached fast-bowlers but we have other things.
Is there anything more glorious than a Geoffrey Boycott forward defence? Didn’t think so!
Plus, we have Joe Root, a man who can take a punch from a moustached Australian cricketer and then score loads of runs. Oh and we absolutely thumped you at Cardiff the other day.
5. We have the Royal family
Okay, so you have the Queen as your head of state but where does she live?
If she lived in Australia, her corgis would have been eaten by some terrifying snake, poor Prince Harry would have been burnt to a crisp and Prince Charles would probably be married to Dame Edna Everage…
6. TV shows
OK, we’ll admit that Toadfish was pretty great in Neighbours but the rest of them were a bit naff. Harold Bishop was just a poor man’s Fred Elliot and Home and Away is just silly. Also, what’s the deal with you ruining British shows like Grand Designs, Top Gear, Come Dine with Me and River Cottage?
Do you even know the majesty of a Sunday roast with Yorkshire puddings? Have you ever tried proper Marmite? Or Monster Munch? No. Because you only know how to chug another schooner and bung a snag on the barbie (that’s a sausage to those of us who speak properly).
The holidays are meant to be spent trying to get through the ridiculous cold and the odd light snow storm which without fail totally debilitates London.
You can also dust off that outlandish Christmas jumper and people will accept its crazy patterns because it’s cold.
However, Christmas is not meant to be celebrated in 30c heat, wearing shorts and making ‘snowmen’ out of sand. You’re doing it wrong!
We get it, you keep winning the Ashes, you’re good at Rugby league and you beat us at football in 2003 when Francis Jeffers was playing.
However, we still won the Rugby World Cup in 2003, we have Jessica Ennis, and we totally thumped you at the 2012 Olympics where you managed to get fewer gold medals than that sporting superpower that is… Hungary!
Plus, Australians are way fitter than us podgy Brits, so any sporting success we have is a shock.
Aussies may think they’re hard drinking 10 cans of VB or Castlemaine XXXX, but nothing beats the beauty of an Englishman with a bottle of Frosty Jacks and a park bench.
Us Brits are brilliant at saying sorry for absolutely no reason. Someone steps on your foot, YOU say “sorry!”. In fact, we use the word to mean a vast array of different things.
Depending on inflection or how clipped the tone, a British person saying ‘sorry’ can mean anything from we didn’t quite hear something, we’ve heard it but couldn’t quite believe it, we are asking for help or we violently hate you.
The Aussies, with their straight talking ways, could never achieve such a subtle, yet pointless, mastership of a single word. That’s what makes us Brits great.
12. Our celebrities are just better
Stephen Fry, Brian Blessed, David Beckham and Kate Moss. Oh, the level of cool is immense.
Australia? Paul Hogan and… erm… Mel Gibson?
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