Everyone expects joyful squeals of delight as snow starts to fall this winter.
But for some, the reality is that snow in Britain is actually rubbish. It gets in your face, makes you cold and leaves your best clothes festering in a wet pile in the corner of your bedroom.
Not convinced? Here’s the evidence.
1. Snow is Britain is NOT that pretty
Oh, get over it. The crisp white sheet of snow lasts at best half a day before turning into that horrible black slush on the sides of the road.
2. Snow always ruins your best trousers
After a very bitter walk to work, your best trousers end up soaking half the journey and feeling like you are dragging two small children on either ankle. Then you have to sit through the squelch all day #sucks.
3. There is never enough snow to toboggan
Remember those sweet photographs of children from the 1950s whooshing down the rolling hills of Oxfordshire? IT IS A LIE. Whenever you go down to Primrose Hill for a slide with your mates, it is a bare as a ski slope in summer. So you end up shuffling down the mud (because you know, snow melts) on your arse.
4. Your snowman always melts
If you even manage to roll enough snow to make a snowman, the one inevitability is that your snowman will always melt into nothing. Why bother?
5. Snowball fights actually hurt
While everyone pretends to enjoy a face full of the white stuff, it actually feels like being smacked across the face with a wet fish.
6. The madness that is Britain’s transport system
Forget trying to get anywhere in the snow in the UK. The whole country shuts down.
7. Snow angels
These always looked awesome in The Simpsons, but the reality is they make you very very wet and always look rubbish.
8. It is cold
Your heating bills are going to soar, which means less money to spend on clothes.
9. The eternal hell that is starting your car in the morning
If you do brave the roads, it takes you half an hour to de-ice the car windows, let alone get the engine started. Then you need to try not to skid off into a snow-filled ditch.
10. Falling on your arse
11. You can’t wear stilettos
If you want your legs to remain in one piece you cannot wear any footwear higher than a Timberland boot. That means no slinky dresses on first dates, no wild nights out in the LBD (except flat footed ones) and absolutely no slick pencil skirt and heel numbers for the office.
12. You must pretend you love snow
No one is allowed to be miserable in the snow. Everyone expects happiness as you waltz heroically through the morning slush high on your own contentment. Just leave me to wallow in my hangover in peace please.
13. No I won’t Let It Go
Expect lots of Frozen references this snow season, to the point of making you want to melt Olaf in a microwave each time anyone sings: ‘Do You Want To Build a Snowman’. No I don’t thank you.