Having heard yesterday that David Bowie has put the kaibosh on Danny Boyle’s plans to make a biopic about him, we couldn’t help but think about other London-linked music movies out there.
There are a few on the horizon: notably, one about Freddie Mercury, which was due to star Ben Whishaw but now looks likely to have Sacha Baron Cohen instead (therefore less likely to be called We Will Rock Q). Meanwhile Noomi Rapace is said to be in talks to play the role of Amy Winehouse in a new film of her life (hopefully called The Girl With The Sailor Tattoos). Perhaps surprisingly, there haven’t been too many other good ones over the years — exceptions being the punk epic Sid And Nancy with Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious or Jimi: All Is By My Side in which André 3000 impersonates Jimi Hendrix. But where are the rest? To remedy this colossal oversight, we’ve prepped our elevator pitches for six more essential biopics that we really really really wanna see*.
Kill Your Girlfriends — It’s 1994 and Nicholas Hoult plays Posh Spice as she connives her way to the top despite having no interest in music and little discernible talent other than sheer Machiavellian ruthlessness. James Corden plays Geri Halliwell while David Beckham is Svengali-like agent Simon Fuller — except for the scenes where he tries to bed Baby Spice, in which a stunt double is used (and all scenes where acting is required and an acting double is used). Directed by Patrick Bateman.
The Wild Horse Of Holborn — Martin Scorsese is behind the camera for this black comedy about the early days of The Rolling Stones featuring Leonardo DiCaprio under many layers of old man make-up playing 19 year old Mick Jagger as he attends a macroeconomic course at LSE to learn how he can make a packet trotting out variations on the same lame bluesy pop-rock for the next hundred years. The film also stars Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow as Keef.
Well, I Think I’m Sexy — Ewan McGregor stars as randy blonde cockatoo Rod Stewart as he shags his way across the Costa del Sol pursued by the Brasilian mafia who are convinced he’s half-inched the tune from Jorge Ben Jor for his Club 18-30 conga-anthem Da Ya Think I’m Sexy? Directed by Guy Ritchie with David Beckham as Rachel Hunter.
Dr Doherty and Mr Barât — This nightmarish horror film about undead band The Libertines stars Daniel Radcliffe going full method to play Pete Doherty. Watch him shoot up between his toes and in the cornea of his right eyeball as he quests to top each high. Meanwhile, his old chum Carl Barât (played by Rupert Grint) looks on in despair as he realises quite how dull he’s being made to look in comparison. Emma Watson plays Amy Winehouse with Hagrid’s beard as the beehive. It climaxes with an ultra-violent game of Quidditch.
Clubbed Tropicana — Oscar-winner Daniel Day Lewis plays George Michael, whose life flashes before his eyes after he whams his car straight into a badly-signposted Happy Snaps in Hampstead. While he wafts away the fug of oddly fragrant smoke and waits for the paramedics to come and help him stand up, George remembers better days when he cared not that he had the worst recording contract in the music biz because he was inventing English rap and casually tossing off hit pop songs as well as men in toilets. Directed by Andrew Ridgeley.
Famous — In this lavish crime drama, Tom Hardy plays both Goss twins (yup Matt and Luke) as they force a bunch of poor Eastend kids to swap their shoe laces for Grolsch bottle tops. It’s rumoured that Hardy is planning to follow the film up with another dual performance as “those two bald dudes” in the as-yet-untitled Right Said Fred project. Both films (and all four twins) are to be directed by David Beckham.
*Any interested parties wishing to purchase these ideas, please see our agent Big Frank who prefers unmarked bills and no nonsense.