My arrival on the planet’s sunniest spotlight, aka the pink carpet at Cannes Film Festival, coincided with that of Nicole Kidman, customer of honour for the opening night time time premiere, her film ‘Grace of Monaco’.
The stars would appear to have aligned – one Hollywood icon present having fun with one different Hollywood icon earlier, who lived the lifetime of a princess in the direction of the similar photo voltaic-kissed, palm-treed Riviera backdrop the place the world’s press have been now gathered.
Which would all be good, if it weren’t for the first reviews of the film, which had dropped only a few hours before, and universally declared it to be a turkey of Christmas proportions.
Not that you just’d realize it from the deportment of this most important lady. Despite the glowering notices, whatever the licensed contempt of Monaco’s royal family and no matter, most woundingly, the absence of the film’s producer Mr Weinstein, La Nicole slapped an limitless smile on her face, gripped the palms of followers as she climbed out of her automotive, wiggled her bare shoulders for the press lots and often carried out herself, correctly, like a princess. Give that lady an Oscar, immediately.
Meanwhile, my very personal showing experience have been being referred to as upon, as a results of it was my mission – and choose to easily settle for it, I undoubtedly did – to conduct myself like an A-Lister at Cannes, properly, for twenty-4 temporary hours a minimal of.
Banging the bags down at the Hotel Martinez, earlier additional clicking a lot on the forecourt, this meant a go to to the stylists’ salon to be primped, preened, poked and often perfected for the night time’s purple carpet. Now, I have no idea if France are planning any invasions inside the near future, nevertheless they needn’t problem with their armies in the event that they’re. Just ship this lot in. For they do not bow to opinion, distraction, hesitation or instruction. They have a mission – in my case, to get this sow’s ear proper right into a frock and some heels – they usually will not be deflected.
An hour and a variety of different ozone holes of hairspray later, a silk purse emerged from the sanctum. I was carrying it, on loan for the night, having been sternly educated of its distinctive, 18-carat gold properties and its price tag – a cool 10,000 Euros.
It takes fairly a bit to look this effortlessly good (apparently)
Off to the purple carpet, for two lifelong illusions to be promptly scuppered. The first is that Cannes Film Festival is rather like the swansong of true European cinematic glamour, the place everybody appears to be principally an further in a Marcello Mastroianni movie, impeccably glamorous and effortlessly fashionable. How do they pull it off inside the snaps? I’ll inform you. It’s a straightforward trick – they merely make it a rule that every one the photographers on the purple carpet ought to robe in tuxedo. So every photograph reveals this mass of uniformly suave gents taking footage of pretty ladies. La Dolce Vita lives… till you pan all through and see that everywhere apart from this slender corridor of mirrors is additional redolent of Leicester Square, full with obstacles, and even… dare I say it… Westfield on a summer season night time time?
My totally different prolonged-held notion is that the rivers someway half for any lady carrying an expensive purse. Truth be told, it’s an unseemly scrum for what little space you’ll get. Stopping for a photographer who didn’t get the memo and thinks it’s a must to be any person nicely-recognized, you’re launched proper right down to earth with a bump by a bored French snapper muttering “Allez allez… ” to everyone who just isn’t Meryl Streep. Fortunately, Tim Minchin includes my rescue. What’s this Aussie polyglot doing on the Cannes purple carpet, I hear you cry?
Tim’s really nowhere to be seen, nevertheless the phrases of his now-celebrated UWA commencement speech come to ideas. “None of you are anybody specific, and in addition you are all going to die… so that you could be as correctly do regardless of you want.” Which is my cue to miss all self-consciousness and participate with my mob taking selfies on the purple carpet. Marcello would have been proud, I’m constructive.
There’s only one issue worse than being caught on the pink carpet at Cannes Film Festival, and that isn’t having a ticket to get in…
One weepy premiere later with some actual clapping on the credit score – we’ve got been lucky to catch ‘Foxcatcher‘ – and it’s off to the restaurant, nevertheless not merely any earlier greasy cuiller. Nope, it’s the Palme D’Or, a Michelin G-starred restaurant the place the proper fare is complemented by a set of whisky ‘pairings’, courtesy of Chivas Whisky. My fashion buds weren’t sufficiently refined to discern the completely totally different flavours, nevertheless even I can sniff the usual.
From there, it’s a fast expertise to in all probability the best golf gear in town, the Silencio, paradoxically named, naturellement. How DO all these stunners on the dance flooring make it to the early screenings of a morning? My weary ft make do with one champagne for the road, after which a stroll once more to the lodge. The stroll is great – earlier a set of marquees perched on the seashore, having fun with host to the film world’s makers and shakers, presumably hammering out distribution provides by shouting in each other’s ears over the encouraging musical marketing campaign of Pharrell – who else?
It’s the morning after the night time time sooner than, and breakfast on the terrace is marked by merely what variety of scrubbed people are sporting sunglasses whereas they tuck into their cornflakes. I cross a weary-wanting gentleman inside the foyer, looking at aeroplane tickets in his hand. It seems even the mercurial David Cronenberg has to deal with practicalities.
Off to the yacht, the humbly titled Alexandre IV, for an further luxurious unfold, and a wander downstairs, the place the cabins are actually lovely – spotless and additional finely appointed than merely about any residence. I under no circumstances have to contact land as soon as extra. Sun-lounging on deck inside the harbour is punctuated by gasps from the Palais de Festival. We all gaze to see the most recent arrival to make the paps attain for his or her ladders. And everyone else on the jetty is making an attempt to see who we’re on this floating palace.
It’s nearly the witching hour, when I flip once more proper right into a D-itemizing pumpkin, nevertheless there’s merely time for the piece de resistance – a helicopter expertise once more to the airport. I’m squeezing my eyes tight as we take off, until the pilot tells me that Roman Abramovich‘s villa is on our left. Curiosity trumps fear, fortuitously, as it’s a unusual cope with to see this lovely shoreline from up proper right here on this little white digital mosquito. And Roman’s villa is gigantic.
The French Riviera – based mostly on Somerset Maugham, a sunny place for shady people, nevertheless pretty from on extreme
I nearly forgot to say, in all this splendour, from which my head may under no circumstances be returned to its right angle, I did endure an accurate first-world disadvantage. On the pink carpet the night time time sooner than, I’d made all of it the easiest way up the pink-carpeted steps, with out struggling any kind of Jennifer Lawrence mishap, solely to seek out I was with out ticket. The system had failed, and no amount of ‘I’m English’ was going to get me earlier the door. For a horrendous second, it appeared as if I might really have to reverse down the steps, into the oncoming a lot, women with costly purses and, worst of all, once more earlier the snoozing snapper nonetheless prepared for Meryl. No amount of Tim Minchin information may save me now.
In the highest, it was a fellow Brit, in a barely additional versatile dinner jacket and troose, who volunteered to dive once more into the throng and rescue me from this debacle. Never ideas Nicole Kidman’s Oscar-worthwhile effort, this gentleman was the precise grace of Cannes and proved that, even inside the midst of all that peerless Provencal glamour, sometimes the one issue that’ll forestall is a couple of home-grown good manners.
With many thanks for hospitality, conviviality and largesse to Chivas Regal 25.
Biggest commerce at Cannes is in ladders
Celebrating the Palm Dog contest, which grows larger yearly
Martin Kemp adjusts his collar for the cameras
Pavilions and Palais
Spandau Ballet perform for Kultur-hosted celebration
Tony Hadley and Steve Norman entertain the a lot
Toby Rose – Palm Dog Founder
Tony Hadley was recovering from knee surgical process
The Two Faces of Cannes
An Usher’s Ribbon
Waiting for Quentin…
Even DJs get to puff on cigars
Hawkers get all over the place… even at Cannes
Imogen was a Palm Dog recipient for her look in James Bond
Let’s not overlook the precise motive for going to Cannes…
Flying the flag on the Palm Dog
The tickets that money alone can’t buy…
A silver fox in Cannes
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T:23 pm – Source: huffingtonpost.co.uk