The former SNP leader will contest the seat of Gordon on a radical English separatist programme, pledging to cut all ties with the Scots and construct a new political system in which Scotland is not included.
Salmond said: “For three hundred years, England has suffered under the domineering Scottish yoke.
“The time has come to break free of their tyranny, reassert our national borders, and reclaim the word ‘sassenach’.”
“On behalf of all English citizens, I promise to relieve you of oppressive foreign burdens, like Trainspotting posters and North Sea oil.
“And you can keep Trident, and Prince Philip, and your eye-watering levels of national debt. I mean, we can keep all those things.
“We English people. From England.”
Central to his plans are the repatriation to Edinburgh of any footballers with red hair, a 400-metre wall along the border and a campaign for Roger Moore to replace Sean Connery as the nation’s favourite James Bond.