Information Society

The Apprentice returns to TV screens on 14 October. Whether you love it like Karren Brady loves the Hammers, or you hate it like Claude Littner hates anything ambitious enough to own a pulse, you can’t deny it’s a London-centric show which rewards people who know the capital.

In honour of the task where Alan Lord Sugar shoos candidates off into London with a shopping list of eclectic items, we’ve arranged our own task for you. Think you’ve got what it takes to impress Lord Sugar? See how you do with this lot.

Answers at the bottom of the page.

1. You need to buy a spiny monkey-orange. Which market do you go to?

a) Smithfield

b) New Spitalfields 

c) Columbia Road

d) Billingsgate

2. Lord Sugar cannot get enough of the opera. Carmen, in particular, never fails to bring a tear to his little eyes. He’d like you to buy him a top whack ticket for an evening performance of Carmen at the Royal Opera House. But what’s its face value?

a) £115

b) £215

c) £315

3. Lord Sugar wants you to network with a City livery company, and bring him back a business card for his frankly flaccid Rolodex. Which livery company is the best one to approach?

a) The Worshipful Company of Information Technologists

b) The Worshipful Company of Magicians and Apothecarists

c) The Worshipful Company of Businessmen and Businesswomen

d) The Worshipful Company of Cold Callers

4. It’s a well-documented fact that Lord Sugar loves his mead. He wants you to buy a pint of mead for him and bring it back to the boardroom, so he can drink it in front of Claude Littner and make him jealous. But, as we all know, Lord Sugar only drinks his mead from the tap, not pre-bottled. So where are you going to find that?

a) An industrial estate in Peckham

b) A garage in West Brompton

c) A railway arch in Bermondsey

d) A football pitch in Epping

6. Lord Sugar’s given you an umbrella from Harrods. Only thing is it’s bleedin’ cream crackered. You need to take it to an expert to get it mended. Where do you go?

a) Fox Umbrellas in the City

b) Fox Umbrellas in Croydon

c) Harrods

d) James Smith & Sons on New Oxford Street

7. When it comes to bragging about being from the East End, Lord Sugar finds it difficult to shut his north and south. One of the objects he’s put on the shopping list is ‘rats and mice’. What’s that rhyming slang for?

a) Dice

b) Rice

c) Ice

d) Rats and mice

9. The clock is ticking and you’ve still got to find one of those fetching furry hats that Queen’s Guards wear. But what should you ask for?

a) A bouvier

b) A busby

c) A berkeley

d) A bouffant

 

10. You’re out of ruddy time! Better hotfoot it back to the boardroom before Lord Sugar explains how useless you are in a torrent of strained similes. Except where actually IS the bleedin’ boardroom?

a) Lord Sugar’s actual boardroom in an Essex business park

b) In One Canada Square, where various establishing shots suggest it is 

c) A studio in Acton

d) An industrial estate in Peckham

Ruddy answers

1. Answer: B. A spiny monkey-orange is a type of fruit. If you’re going to find it anywhere, it’ll be at New Covent Garden, the UK’s biggest wholesaler of fruit, flowers and veg.

7. Answer: A. If you said anything else, then no dice.

8. Answer: C. This was actually once one of the items that candidates had to find on The Apprentice.

9. Answer: B. If you said anything else then you’re now officially called a berk.

How did you bleedin’ well do?

0 points: You’re fired.

1-2 points: You think you’ve got away with it, but then you turn out to be the second victim of a ‘shock’ double firing. So yeah, you’re fired. 

3-4 points: We’re THIS close to firing you. You’re going to be project manager next week and you’d better prove yourself. Now get out of our naffin’ sight.

5-6 points: We don’t want to hear another bleedin’ word from you. Go back to the house.

7-8 points: We’ve arranged a treat for you. Paintballing and cocktails probably.

9-10 points: You’re hired. Except the show doesn’t follow that format anymore, so the phrase is redundant. A bit like you.