The Mash guide to the cabinet reshuffle

Will return to his lemonade delivery round

Will return to his lemonade delivery round

Here is our guide to who’s gone where:

The announcement that Jeremy Hunt is moving to Health has been cancelled after it turns out he’s already there.

Boring old male defence secretary Philip Hammond has been replaced by dynamic new face Philippa Hammond.

Michael Gove is to have both hands amputated and replaced by whips.

Iain Duncan Smith has torn up his completed Jobseeker’s Allowance application form.

New female ministers have been told they’ll never be Thatcher, but just do their best.

Stephen Crabb and David Jones will swap jobs: Crabb becomes Welsh secretary and Jones takes his place in the chorus of long-running West End musical Wicked.

Environment secretary Owen Paterson was down to be sacked until whips realised they hadn’t seen him since a January visit to the Somerset Levels. Backbenchers have formed a search committee.

A politician who has spent years claiming to be an expert on education has deftly switched to knowing everything about farms.

The new minister without portfolio has been instructed to just buy one from Rymans.

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